Welcome to the first post of this not-so-new and improved blog of mine. I took everything down and am starting from scratch. The things I was writing were great, and I did enjoy the research I was doing for them. However, looking at them now I realize how unorganized my mind and writing had become as I spiraled.
I find myself in quite the depressive mindset and though the spiraling has stopped, I am still finding it hard to piece words together but I’m trying. I am searching for motivation in every nook and cranny I pass. Luckily I found some just sitting in bed as I rest my anxiety weary body.
Recently, I was laid off from my job at a call-center. I’m not bitter or angry, I understand why I was let go, but it still sucks. It’s been two weeks since that day and during that time I have been recuperating. Why? Long story short…I am not cut out for being behind a desk for 40 hours a week. I need to be active and working with my hands. I found myself spiraling down the rabbit hole these last few months and it was taking it’s toll physically.
Being in a depressive state and exhausted from the anxiety, leaves you physically disabled at times. I get weak and lethargic. Anytime I move it feels as if I am moving in slow motion or as if I’m walking in wet sand. Even going to the bathroom is like climbing a mountain and leaves me breathless. I will wake up some days and wonder if getting up is worth the struggle; if it’s worth the pain and exhaustion.
Often times it is worth it, and then there are the days where it’s not. The days that my body tells me, “Hell no girl! Get back in bed and rest” are the toughest days. I dislike calling in to work sick or taking a day from school because of my anxiety or depression. I make sure I work twice as hard to not be seen as a liability or weak by superiors or others. I do know some workplaces view mental illness as a disability and it’s labeled as such in handbooks and whatnot, however, I take pride in being able to somewhat control the little monsters.
Knowing when your body needs to rest and actually taking that day or two is the best decision you can make. On several occasions I took days off from work and school in order to rest. To be able to lie in bed and not do was a blessing. It gets extremely difficult to keep pushing yourself when there is no fight leftover. Taking that day or two of rest can recharge your batteries and keep you going for a while longer.
There will be people who won’t understand why you need this. They will question whether you are actually sick or just ditching so you can go shopping or visit the beach. People may joke about it or give you a hard time about needing to just stay in your pjs and marathon Disney movies. Whatever makes you happy and feel at ease for the day, please do it.
I encourage you to listen to your body, especially if you are physically impaired by your mental illness. Our bodies will tell us exactly what is wrong and what it needs. Maybe that’s a 6 hour marathon of your fav TV show or listening to that new band while laying on your front room floor or even taking an extra long shower so you can muffle your sobs as you cry it all out.
I want you to take care of yourself however you need. Your health is vital. Your sanity is critical. You are important.