i have a storm inside me

i have a storm inside me

I’ve alluded to this in a few posts, but wanted to give it a little bit more attention because it is extremely important to remember.

Anxiety manifests physically. It’s different for everyone, but I would like to share what happens to my body. It can start so small. Just a minor headache that I might take something for. As the day (or week) goes by it gets bigger. Stronger. A small rain shower that turns to a violent thunderstorm and rages on for hours. The only difference is the storm ends. My anxiety doesn’t.

The first thing I notice is the constant headache. It’s this dull throb in my temples. As my anxiety gets worse the headache moves and gets stronger. The throbbing turns to a white noise in my ears and makes my eyes cross and blur. If it gets bad enough it will turn to a migraine and knock me off my feet. I’ve had to take a few sick days because I literally couldn’t open my eyes or move.

I experience a lot of stomach aches and nausea. If I get a particularly persistent thought or image in my head (more than likely my mind has decided to relive some past mistakes) it might make my tummy roil and it almost feels like I’m going to throw up. My stomach turns to a knotted mess and gets tighter and tighter the deeper I fall into my anxiety. This is almost always accompanied by nausea. Smells, tastes, whatever will make me nauseous. My sense of smell is weirdly heightened when I’m anxious.

The worst thing is the dry heaving. I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve woken up and ran to the bathroom. How many times I’ve had to stay home from school or work because I was desperately clinging to the bowl heaving. I’ve also had to make quick escapes to bathrooms while in class and at work. The most difficult thing about it is that I don’t actually throw up. It’s just this constant, painful dry heaving that could last all day or several days. I would rather throw up and get it over with than dry heave for hours.

I have these “episodes”. I thought for a while that they were due to some illness I had or something was legit wrong with me and a doctor could figure out what. However, I am now almost certain it’s just my anxiety finding new ways to fuck with me. These episodes consist of dizziness, lightheadedness, and tremors in my hands. The tremors are mainly in my right arm, but I can feel them slightly in my left as well, just not as bad. When I’m having one of these bouts I literally cannot hold anything in my right hand. I can’t really do anything but lay down and wait it out.

I’ve had people tell me that I need to go to a doctor and get on medication to “fix” my mental illnesses. The thing is you can’t “fix” this. You can manage the symptoms, to a point. But there is no cure. There isn’t a magic pill or shot that can just make it all go away. Personally, I will find ways to cope with my physical symptoms rather than ingest some nasty synthetic material and risk all kinds of really fun side effects. I drug my body enough with the deliciously processed foods I devour every day.

I don’t have these episodes often and I have ways of coping. The other physical representations of my anxiety are easily managed too. Is it strange that I’m glad I don’t have some strange disease that can be cured? Maybe, but I am kind of relieved that all those tests I’ve done came back normal. It’s just me and my anxiety. And my depression. ANNNND the panic attacks. ANNNNNNNNNNND the food issues.

what is love

what is love

Baby don’t hurt me! don’t hurt me no more.

Okay….but in all seriousness….Love.

The thing of songs, movies, and books. People spend years looking for it and others find it everywhere they go. We give and receive love in its many forms. You can see it, hear it, and feel it. It can lift you up and it can also drop you on your ass.

Merriam-Webster has many basic definitions of love. After reading all the definitions it seems they divide love into three main types: familial, romantic, and platonic. Familial is defined as “strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties”. Platonic is said to be more of an “affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests” which would describe your friendships and can even extend to things you claim to love like your car or favorite stuffed animal.

We all have love for our families, whether they be our biological family or our chosen family. We have those friends whom we love unconditionally and love us in return. We love our pets. Our cars, phones, clothes, food. We love places and times of day. We love movies, books, and TV shows too. There is so much in this world to love.

Romantic love is complex. According to Merriam-Webster it is “unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another” and “affection and tenderness”. Obviously, we all know it’s a lot more than any dictionary can put into words. Love is more than an emotion. It’s a combination of all your senses. Your entire body and mind. In some cases your soul.

Love is an incredible feeling. It can lift you up so high and leave you soaring above the clouds. It will have you smiling for no reason other than you are completely happy with your significant other(s). Seeing them, hearing their voice, enjoying your time together. Whatever it may be.

Love can also drop you on your ass and leave you feeling as if you’ve been hit by a Mack truck going 90 mph. It can sweep in and break you down. Leave you in tears for a time. Crush your spirit. Break your heart. Make you crazy. And then it can come back and heal those sore wounds and mean your broken pieces.

People all over are constantly looking for love. Dating websites, Facebook, blind dates, etc. You have 12 year olds saying they love their boyfriend/girlfriend after 2 weeks of “dating”. You have those people who start saying they are in love with their significant other within a few days of dating. I see so many throwing around the word love aimlessly and maybe even too often. But, that’s just my observation.

We are bombarded with images of how “love” should be. Books, movies, celebrities, reality TV shows, etc. We receive advice from friends and family about how to date and navigate our relationships. We seek tips from blogs and magazines. We see unbelievable standards and “relationship goals” that don’t apply to everyone.

I used to believe in the mainstream idea that you can only be in love with your partner and no one else. I’ve begun to realize that this isn’t true, at least for me. I discovered something about myself I had no idea was possible. Something that I honestly didn’t really understand. I didn’t realize that I was already doing this for years until now.

I had a panic attack a few months ago that left me in a pool of anxiety. I was struggling to wrap my head around my feelings for multiple people. I knew that I loved them all whole-heartedly, but couldn’t make up my mind. But then I had a weird thought and wondered “why couldn’t I just date all of them?” My initial reaction was that I was just being selfish and ridiculous. That kind of thing doesn’t work….but I sat and thought about it more. And more. Until it dawned on me…

I am polyamorous. *mind explodes*

Seriously, I didn’t even put those dots together. I’ve been with my wifey for years and have dated other people during that time. I hold such love for her it just consumes me. I was head over heels for my ex as well, while still holding the same amount of love for my wifey. I had text my wifey immediately and she confirmed that yes we’re poly. I am still reeling from that discovery.

We have absolute trust in each other and our relationship. We talk about everything. We offer support, comfort, guidance, advice, and whatever we need to be to each other. We date other people, but that doesn’t lessen our love for each other. We encourage each other to get out there and go on a date or two.

I am still learning about this part of myself and how to navigate this newly discovered pathway. I will share any new mind blowing epiphanies in later posts as well. Life is a strange journey, but an enjoyable one. One I am thrilled to be sharing with my incredibly gorgeous and smart wifey.

Our connection grows stronger every day. I cannot wait to see how our dynamic evolves over time. I am so excited for our future and hope soon was can live our dream. I have never been excited for my future until my darling Puddin and our precious little Warrior.