Swimming back through a sea of lies

Swimming back through a sea of lies

I’ve always tried to be honest with my friends and family. I don’t mince words and I won’t tell you a lie to make you feel better. It’s usually why my friends come to me for advice. I give words of wisdom while telling you what an idiot you are, but I’ll do it nicely. It’s all part of my charm. 

Lying to your loved ones is awful. The guilt eats your insides and rots inside you. It makes you paranoid and shifty. And one lie leads to others. To cover up that one lie you had to use others. It never ends. If you are caught in a lie, consequences vary. Get grounded, parents lose trust, friend doesn’t speak to you for a few weeks, lose your friend entirely, your significant other leaves you, get fired from work, etc. 

The feelings that rise when you lie to yourself are far worse. Physical pain. Emotional outbursts. Your brain goes round and round 24/7. Arguing with yourself. Trying to convince yourself of whatever lie you need to believe for whatever reason. A constant bug buzzing in your ear that you can’t swat away. 

After years of lying, I think it’s time to come clean. Don’t you?

I’ve kept my true thoughts about sex to myself. I didn’t want to be different or weird. I was already the chunky tomboy who would rather read a book than be with friends. I wasn’t prom queen or head cheerleader. I was always in the background with my books. I wasn’t boy crazy like the other girls. I didn’t really date. I had no real interest in it anyway.
Eventually I did date and each one was both amazing and terrible. Kissing was always weird. I had braces  in high school when I had my first boyfriend and he had a lizard tongue. I still cringe thinking about it. I was “dating” this one guy the summer before I went to college. He wouldn’t call me his girlfriend until he “test drove the car”. I wasn’t ready to have sex and we just ended up dry humping most times. I thought it was nasty all the same.

A couple years ago I dated this guy and it was incredible. I fell so hard for him and the sex was mechanically good. Like on a purely animalistic type level it was spectacular. But deep inside? It killed me to be touched that way. There were times where I forced myself to be intimate with my boyfriend and prayed the whole time for him to be done so I could sleep and be left alone. At times I’d be in the bathroom dry heaving after having sex. I felt disgusting and wrong. I wanted to dip myself in scalding water and scrub ’til my skin was raw.  I did date and each one was both amazing and terrible. Kissing was always weird. I had braces  in high school when I had my first boyfriend and he had a lizard tongue. I still cringe thinking about it. I was “dating” this one guy the summer before I went to college. He wouldn’t call me his girlfriend until he “test drove the car”. I wasn’t ready to have sex and we just ended up dry humping most times. I thought it was nasty all the same.

I wholeheartedly believe that much of my anxiety and depression, especially in my last years of college and just after I graduated, were from trying to convince myself to be some hyper sexual being. Dating always gave me anxiety. Days after having sex I was depressed and hated myself. After one particular time I felt like dying. 

I think sex is gross. It makes me want to vomit at times and other times I wish to hide under the bed. I don’t want to go to all that effort just to sate some biological urge. I’d rather cuddle with a pillow and eat a whole pizza while watching Netflix than go on a date with someone. That is the level I’m at. 

Hi, I’m Jessica and I am gray-asexual. 

No, I did not make up that term. It is a legitimate sexual orientation within the asexual spectrum. Sexual orientation is this incredible spectrum full of various preferences and identities. There are lots of gray areas too. And I fall into one of them.

People who identify as gray-asexual are on the border “between feeling sexual attraction to others and returning to their asexual tendencies. They feel sexual attraction, but not as often as sexual people. They don’t feel like acting on their sexual attraction. They are confused about their feelings of sexual attraction. They don’t feel that sexuality is a meaningful concept.” (Love Panky)

I appreciate someone’s general attractiveness, but I don’t want to jump into bed with them. I felt some sexual attraction for someone recently, but I never acted on those feelings because the though of doing it made me sick. It’s all just a big “meh”. I’ve engaged in sexual acts to appease my partner or to make them stop nagging me about sex. 

Sex feels good on a basic level, I’ll admit, but I would rather spend time hanging out with friends and family, reading books, watching movies, snuggling in my nest of blankets and pillows, writing super long blog posts. I would love to find another asexual or gray-asexual person and have a relationship where I am not pressured to have sex or do anything remotely sexual.

Since unraveling all these lies and opening these thought boxes I have had less anxiety and felt better. I’m not overtly depressed and I haven’t had one self-hating thought. I haven’t felt like dying in months. I broke down the first time I said out loud that I was asexual. 

I can breathe easier now.

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you just haven’t decided yet

you just haven’t decided yet

I wish it was socially acceptable to just punch people in the face when they said dumb shit. It would make me feel better when I receive certain comments about my sexuality.

I’m bisexual. I’ve identified as such since 7th grade. I started telling my friends around my junior year in high school. I didn’t tell my family until last summer, but they’ve all known for years. They were just waiting for me to say something out loud. My friends and family are very supportive of me. My mom and I went to our first Pride this year too.

I have gone through a lot of ups and downs with my sexuality considering I was being raised in the Lutheran church. There was a lot of judgement and hate towards the LGBT community and I didn’t know what to do. In the end I left the church instead of being “straightened out”.

Over the years I’ve dated both men and women. I tend to date more men than women. Not because I like women any less than men, it’s just my preference. I typically date the same type of guy, but not when it comes to women.

Bisexuality is like a gradient scale. The Bi flag is pink, purple, and blue. Sometimes it’s even shown with the colors fading into each other. That’s how it is. Some individuals are more pink/purple, while others are more purple/blue. There are some that are just purple. It all comes down to the person. We all have our own experiences and that’s perfectly fine!

Yet, we still get dumbass comments from heteros and even from our fellow LGTB-ers. I recently had a conversation with this great woman who I found out is a lesbian. I made a comment and she asked if I was too and when I said I was bi she said the most frequently hated phrase.

“Oh, you just haven’t decided yet.”

I looked that woman in the face and told her, “I hate when people tell me that”. And then I walked away without another word.

No, I haven’t decided what I’m having for dinner.

Yes, I’ve decided what I’ll wear for my date.

YES! We’ve decided to get married!!

Those are choices to be made and some pretty important ones as well.

There is no choice to be made in bisexuality. I enjoy dating both men and women. I enjoy sex with men and women. Just not at the same time. No threesomes here! So what if I don’t date equally?! Again, let me point out, gradient scale…jeez!

I am not “on the fence”.

I am not still “deciding”.

I’m not being selfish.

I’m simply bisexual.

Sexual orientation is not a choice. We were born this way and we will forever be this way. What we can chose is to be open about it, who we open up to, and who we spend our lives with. Man, woman, whatever.

But the true ultimate choice is where the hell to go for dinner when you’re on a date with your best friend. Seriously, why can we never make a decision???