a color for every occasion

​You’ll never forget that night

The drop of sherbet on her chin

Her laugh as you wiped it off

Your heart pounding from the way she smiled
She wrapped her arms around your neck

Kissed you sweetly and smiled so wide

yellow roses on the counter

A whole year
She was breath taking

Delicate purple fabric made her ivory skin glow

How you longed to touch her

Your heart skipped and your palms sweaty

That little black box weighed heavily in your pocket
Close your eyes and take a deep breath

This was it

As the music starts you turn your head

Walking down the isle was the most beautiful woman

And she was all yours
You are late…again

You apologize and hand her the pink tulips

Her favorite

Your hope crashes as she sighs and kisses your cheek

Her once dazzling smile is dull and not so wide

What changed in the last 5 years?
Another night another excuse

Were you crazy?

She would never betray you…right?

Your mind began to wander

Images flashed in your head

Hot jealousy coursed through your body

You waited in the dark
Years

This had been going on for years

Her words faded away

All that was left was rage

Blind rage

The world converged to red
Your hands were shaking

Time stopped

The sound of your blood roared in your ears

You close your eyes

All you see are those blue lips
Silence

Void

It was over

Every shred of jealousy and rage

Washed away

Her cold body lay on the bed

Your world turned black

That barrel looked so welcome

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do you even pray?

do you even pray?

I am going to talk about everyone’s favorite…religion.

Religion has always been the one topic I won’t talk about with anyone. Simply for the fact that not everyone has the same beliefs and I don’t want some Bible thumper to try and shove their faith down my throat.

Most people grow up in a religious family or household and some people find it later in life. Some people even change their belief system after a life experience or because of something else entirely. We all choose to believe in something.

My entire school experience was in a Lutheran system. Elementary, junior high, high school, and college. Year after year of the same messages. The same lessons. The same stories. It drove me crazy. I didn’t like the conservative views they held. I didn’t like the hypocrisy I saw in the daily lives of the believers. I hated to judgement cast upon those who weren’t Lutheran, even other Christian faiths were judged! It was absurd.

It came to a point where I was repeatedly arguing with my religion teachers and being preached at about Lutheran ideals. I stopped practicing and believing that faith system around my sophomore year of high school. I wasn’t going to associate myself with a group of people who were going to damn the whole of society and other cultures for not following their faith.

(Side Note: I LOATHE the missionary practices of going to other countries and converting people through helping them develop their community. It’s disgusting and irritating. It kills me to watch beautiful cultures and religious ways get stamped out by Christianity).

So what was I going to put my faith into? Where did my soul lead me?

Paganism.

A wide umbrella term that encompasses many different pathways. Over the years I’ve become quite eclectic in my spirituality. I pull from all faiths to form my own little thing. I believe that there isn’t a “right” religion. There is no wrong way to do religion.

We’re all right in our own way.
We believe what we want to.
What feels “right” to us.

I remember in my world religions class in college this one group did their project on Wicca. It made me laugh because half the things they said were wrong. I could tell they didn’t understand Wicca and received their information from crappy ass books written by others who had no idea what it is. I was not shy about telling them so and educated them. I was asked by another student if pagans even pray.

I explained that we do. We have prayers, chants, rituals, songs. The same things Christians do and other religions too. We all just do it differently. Every student was silent and looked baffled. Like I just showed them how a magic trick works.

It astounds me that with the information so close at hand no one decides to look for themselves. They scrape up any knowledge of other religious way from their elders, whether that be their pastor, priest, parent, teacher, etc. Even some of the textbooks about world religions are written by Christians (well the ones used throughout my schooling were) and had a biased view already.

I have had many conversations with my mom about the differences between many religions because of her flippant comments about Satanism and “devil worship”. It never ceases to irritate me and get me going on a rant about what Satanism really is since obviously no one actually knows.

Every religion comes with ceremonies, rituals, chants, songs, dances, clothes, etc. Things that represent the mythos of the religion. Even the place one practices is different from faith to faith. An elaborate church, a basement, a forest, your backyard. Wherever you are comfortable. Do whatever you feel in your soul to express your faith.

Personally, I love to dance, burn incense or light some candles, chant, meditate, draw sigils, and astral project. I will take moments to wonder at the moon and smile under the sun. I listen to the wind and feel the Earth under me.

My church is everywhere I am. My religion evolves to reflect my growth through life.

what is love

what is love

Baby don’t hurt me! don’t hurt me no more.

Okay….but in all seriousness….Love.

The thing of songs, movies, and books. People spend years looking for it and others find it everywhere they go. We give and receive love in its many forms. You can see it, hear it, and feel it. It can lift you up and it can also drop you on your ass.

Merriam-Webster has many basic definitions of love. After reading all the definitions it seems they divide love into three main types: familial, romantic, and platonic. Familial is defined as “strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties”. Platonic is said to be more of an “affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests” which would describe your friendships and can even extend to things you claim to love like your car or favorite stuffed animal.

We all have love for our families, whether they be our biological family or our chosen family. We have those friends whom we love unconditionally and love us in return. We love our pets. Our cars, phones, clothes, food. We love places and times of day. We love movies, books, and TV shows too. There is so much in this world to love.

Romantic love is complex. According to Merriam-Webster it is “unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another” and “affection and tenderness”. Obviously, we all know it’s a lot more than any dictionary can put into words. Love is more than an emotion. It’s a combination of all your senses. Your entire body and mind. In some cases your soul.

Love is an incredible feeling. It can lift you up so high and leave you soaring above the clouds. It will have you smiling for no reason other than you are completely happy with your significant other(s). Seeing them, hearing their voice, enjoying your time together. Whatever it may be.

Love can also drop you on your ass and leave you feeling as if you’ve been hit by a Mack truck going 90 mph. It can sweep in and break you down. Leave you in tears for a time. Crush your spirit. Break your heart. Make you crazy. And then it can come back and heal those sore wounds and mean your broken pieces.

People all over are constantly looking for love. Dating websites, Facebook, blind dates, etc. You have 12 year olds saying they love their boyfriend/girlfriend after 2 weeks of “dating”. You have those people who start saying they are in love with their significant other within a few days of dating. I see so many throwing around the word love aimlessly and maybe even too often. But, that’s just my observation.

We are bombarded with images of how “love” should be. Books, movies, celebrities, reality TV shows, etc. We receive advice from friends and family about how to date and navigate our relationships. We seek tips from blogs and magazines. We see unbelievable standards and “relationship goals” that don’t apply to everyone.

I used to believe in the mainstream idea that you can only be in love with your partner and no one else. I’ve begun to realize that this isn’t true, at least for me. I discovered something about myself I had no idea was possible. Something that I honestly didn’t really understand. I didn’t realize that I was already doing this for years until now.

I had a panic attack a few months ago that left me in a pool of anxiety. I was struggling to wrap my head around my feelings for multiple people. I knew that I loved them all whole-heartedly, but couldn’t make up my mind. But then I had a weird thought and wondered “why couldn’t I just date all of them?” My initial reaction was that I was just being selfish and ridiculous. That kind of thing doesn’t work….but I sat and thought about it more. And more. Until it dawned on me…

I am polyamorous. *mind explodes*

Seriously, I didn’t even put those dots together. I’ve been with my wifey for years and have dated other people during that time. I hold such love for her it just consumes me. I was head over heels for my ex as well, while still holding the same amount of love for my wifey. I had text my wifey immediately and she confirmed that yes we’re poly. I am still reeling from that discovery.

We have absolute trust in each other and our relationship. We talk about everything. We offer support, comfort, guidance, advice, and whatever we need to be to each other. We date other people, but that doesn’t lessen our love for each other. We encourage each other to get out there and go on a date or two.

I am still learning about this part of myself and how to navigate this newly discovered pathway. I will share any new mind blowing epiphanies in later posts as well. Life is a strange journey, but an enjoyable one. One I am thrilled to be sharing with my incredibly gorgeous and smart wifey.

Our connection grows stronger every day. I cannot wait to see how our dynamic evolves over time. I am so excited for our future and hope soon was can live our dream. I have never been excited for my future until my darling Puddin and our precious little Warrior.