that whole dating thing sucks

that whole dating thing sucks

I’m going to apologize in advanced for this little rant. I’m running on little sleep and lots of soda. I have miles of thoughts I’m trying to untangle and this was one of my threads.

Dating in this day and age is the worst. I would rather walk on Legos than try and date someone. Yeah, I went there.

Think about it for a moment.

Countless dating apps. Some are even specifically for age groups, sexual orientations, ethnic groups, and religious affiliations. There are even ones you pay a membership for and have to answer a billion questions on top of it!

WHAT.

THE.

FUCK?!?

There’s also speed dating events, singles night at bars/clubs, those horrible set ups from your married friends.

It’s a migraine I really don’t want to have. Ever.

It started out as having a crush on someone you hung around with at school or one of your friends buddies. You kept hanging around your friends hoping you’d see them again and work up the courage to talk to them. You’d exchange numbers, maybe even AIM screennames! That was legit as fuck. Now, you find someone on an app, talk for two weeks, “hang out” a few times, and your whole relationship is on your social media page of choice.

So our mode of dating has changed as well as the language, which for me is the biggest deterrent right now. Instead of “It’s a date!” or “Want to go out with me?” it’s become “we’re just talking” and “we’re hanging out”, or the worst “Netflix and chill”. WHAT EVEN IS THAT? How long do you have to be “talking” to be considered a relationship? And however that whole “we’re hanging out” thing happened, I wish it was immediately stopped because it’s fucking annoying.

Now, I don’t begrudge anyone for sharing relationship events like anniversaries, presents, cool date locations, family pics, whatever. I love seeing my friends and family happy and getting treated right. I love seeing happy couples and all that sappy love stuff. It gives me hope for this world.

I guess I’m just a little old fashioned. I was having a conversation with a good friend and I told her I wish someone would court me. Come to my house, call upon me with a big thing of flowers, and take me somewhere special. It doesn’t have to be fancy, just different. A park, the beach, a late night drive downtown, a drive-in movie, some hole in the wall diner that has the best burger, ANYTHING really!

The more I try and date, the more I find it rather pointless and horrible. It feels like I’m trying to wedge myself into this tiny box, but I’m not going to fit. Why do I even bother anymore? Is it some brainwashed idea that the media planted in my brain? Is it some ingrained instinct to find a suitable mate? Whatever it is sucks balls and I’m fighting like a salmon upstream.

I have the relationships I want and I’m content as all hell with that. I’m taking that box society gave me and burning it.

Embracing those hairy ass legs

Embracing those hairy ass legs

A few months ago, I watched a video of these women talking about their body hair and body positivity. I then watched other videos and more blogs about women embracing their body hair and choosing not to shave.

I was grossed out at first. I mean…hairy ass legs and armpits. Not trimming your lady bits! At the time I watched those vids I said I would never stop shaving or trimming. I was obsessed about my body hair and making sure it was taken care of.

I have been shaving my legs and pits since I was 13-14. I didn’t start trimming my pubic hair until I was 16. All four years of college I shaved all my pubes off. At one point I was shaving my legs every day, mainly during the spring and summer months. I hated the feel of unshaved legs and pits.

In the last two years I have been more lax about shaving. It’s easier in the winter because I wear nothing but pants. In the summer I was a bit crazy about making sure my legs looked hairless and pretty. But my obsession came at a cost. Razor burn, in-grown hairs, rashes. I changed razors, shaving creams, and lotions to prevent burn and razor bumps. But I fucked up my legs with my crazy habits.

We live in a world which parades these images of what “true beauty” looks like. Society bombards us with ads for razors, home waxing kits, shaving creams, etc. It wants us to be these smooth, hairless dolls to live up to a crazy image they created. There is a stigma regarding female body hair, and these women are breaking it.

I was inspired to do the same. My skin is so sensitive due to years of obsessive shaving and I can’t do it anymore. I had a talk with my wife about this as well. She made the same decision. She explained that she was fed up with the skin irritation shaving caused and stopped shaving for a few days to let her skin breathe. She commented about how at first the new growth was disgusting and she wanted to shave, but also wanted to see it grow more. She hasn’t shaved in a month now, though she still fights the urge to shave because the growth is somewhat gross, she is not going to give in.

I haven’t shaved my legs or arm pits in two weeks. I was so grossed out the first few days. The itchy stubble was nasty. I wanted to shave so bad, but I resisted. After that first week I noticed how soft my leg hair was and found myself constantly petting my legs. I know I sound ridiculous, but it’s so fucking soft! Seriously, I’m fascinated by it. My underarms are the same way. I have also noticed that I don’t sweat as much under my arms and I don’t smell as bad.

Normally, I would be having a panic attack about going out in public with furry legs, but I don’t give one fuck. If people stare or make rude comments, it doesn’t bother me. I am doing something that makes me feel good and is good for my body.

I still trim my pubic hair, but I don’t shave it bald or shave it at all. Not only do I not have the time to dedicate to such a daunting task, but my skin can’t handle that level of shaving anymore.

Do I worry about what my future partner(s) will say? Not at all. If they don’t like it, that’s their problem. I am not going to change for anyone. If they want a shaved pussy, they can watch porn.

I would love to hear from other women who are embracing their bodies. Have you received any comments from people or partners? What were your reasons for not shaving? What were some of your initial thoughts during the new growth stages?

Embrace your bodies ladies, you are all beautiful!

crashing along Anxiety Lane

crashing along Anxiety Lane

I’m sure we’ve all experienced anxiety drop. Those moments after the attack when you just free fall into a zombie. It’s scary. Beyond weird. And unexplainable, but I’m going to try and describe it.

Last week I was so frustrated with work bullshit. I was spitting mad and cussing up a storm. My mind buzzed with all the shit that was going on. Blood boiling, I tried to finish my tasks as fast as possible.

I knew I was cruising down Anxiety Lane when I felt all that anger boil inside me. My ears started ringing and then went dead. The world was turning white and closing in around me. Tremors overtook my hands. Tears burned my eyes and cheeks.

All I could do was breathe. Deep and slow. I focused on the things I could feel around me. The music in my ear buds. The soft feel of the rag in my hand. The smell of Windex as I wiped the windows on a car.

I had to keep calm and cool as long as I could. However, that didn’t last long. I was swimming in my pool of anxiety and felt weights clap around my wrists and ankles. I was drowning and my body was shutting down. I felt this black cloud envelope me and I was falling. I couldn’t move. Couldn’t scream. There was this white noise in my head.

I was crashing. Hard and fast.

I found myself moving towards the office to find a space to sit. I talked with a few co-workers, one of whom made me hot chocolate and gave me a bag of cookies. Her kindness and care helped me back to reality. The warmth from the drink slowly ran away the cold of the drop.

I was going in and out of coherence. I could tell they were speaking but not what they were saying. I was floating now. On the surface of reality. Slowly coming back to myself.

It was the most painful experience.

I hate the drop. I’ve only experienced it a handful of times, but that’s too many for my taste.

To be honest, I’ve been feeling a little lost and dead to the world even before this recent anxiety drop. I’m putting on this mask of emotions when I feel absolutely nothing inside. It hurts to talk. Social interaction is exhausting. People are grating on my nerves and I wish I could escape them.

I would love to hole up in a cabin deep in the forest away from everything. Just set up some internet so I could have my Netflix and be able to buy books. I’d have a couple dogs and curl up in a puppy pile every night.

That’d be perfect.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

why didn’t you respond?

why didn’t you respond?

How many people do you talk to on a daily basis? Do you text them throughout the day? Maybe a phone call once a week or every other week? Or are you a Snapchat addict and send random clips to everyone and that’s it? Do you spend hours on Facebook commenting on your friends pictures, posts, and sending messages?

We live in a time where we have an abundance of platforms to connect with friends and family. Facebook, Twitter, tumblr, Snapchat, Kik, Instagram. There are tons of social media apps. It has changed the way we communicate and our expectations too.

What happened to AIM?!? Yahoo messanger!!! Remember when we had to press 7 four times if we wanted “S”?? Or when we would use our landline to call our best friend and have them meet us at the park to play? Does anyone remember riding or walking by your friend’s house to see if they were home? Those were the days.

There are so many avenues to talk to your friends and family it’s exhausting. I can’t keep up with any of these things anymore. Hell, I don’t even post much on Facebook. I share videos of cats and puppies and random things. I don’t use Twitter. I barely use my Instagram. And I use tumblr for more cat videos!

I only text one person on a daily basis and that’s my wifey. I text a few people throughout the week and send random memes to my best friend. I think I call my girlfriend every other week (when either of us remembers) and text her sporadically. These are simple check-ins. Quick little conversations about work, relationships, and maybe to make plans to meet up. Easy and effortless.

I’m an introvert. I find being social and having to talk to so many people tiresome and irritating. Small talk and tedious exchanges are fucking ridiculous. I have no problem talking to the few friends I have and hanging out, but not every day or all the time.

I received a random Snapchat message (like come on? Are you fucking kidding me, bro?) from someone asking why I never respond to their Snaps. I resisted the urge to become SUPER petty, and instead became irritated and ranted a good while. I had to legit explain my communication style and that I am not the type of person to talk to someone all day every day. I had a very looooooong conversation with this person and in the end they unfriended me on Facebook (yeah, that’ll show me!).

How is it that people can become so angry that you didn’t send them a Snapchat back or respond to their text immediately after you received it? Or that you don’t talk to them on a daily basis because you are friends?

I am open about the way I am. I don’t talk to many people. I like it that way. I can go days without texting a single person or talking with them on any platform. Hell, I can go days without talking to people face-to-face! I often times need to space to recharge my social batteries.

Don’t become frustrated or angry that I’m not talking to you. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to be your friend or forgot about you. It’s how I am. I won’t apologize for it either. If you want to unfriend me or stop following me because it doesn’t match how you are, that’s your business. I don’t give a fuck.

do you even pray?

do you even pray?

I am going to talk about everyone’s favorite…religion.

Religion has always been the one topic I won’t talk about with anyone. Simply for the fact that not everyone has the same beliefs and I don’t want some Bible thumper to try and shove their faith down my throat.

Most people grow up in a religious family or household and some people find it later in life. Some people even change their belief system after a life experience or because of something else entirely. We all choose to believe in something.

My entire school experience was in a Lutheran system. Elementary, junior high, high school, and college. Year after year of the same messages. The same lessons. The same stories. It drove me crazy. I didn’t like the conservative views they held. I didn’t like the hypocrisy I saw in the daily lives of the believers. I hated to judgement cast upon those who weren’t Lutheran, even other Christian faiths were judged! It was absurd.

It came to a point where I was repeatedly arguing with my religion teachers and being preached at about Lutheran ideals. I stopped practicing and believing that faith system around my sophomore year of high school. I wasn’t going to associate myself with a group of people who were going to damn the whole of society and other cultures for not following their faith.

(Side Note: I LOATHE the missionary practices of going to other countries and converting people through helping them develop their community. It’s disgusting and irritating. It kills me to watch beautiful cultures and religious ways get stamped out by Christianity).

So what was I going to put my faith into? Where did my soul lead me?

Paganism.

A wide umbrella term that encompasses many different pathways. Over the years I’ve become quite eclectic in my spirituality. I pull from all faiths to form my own little thing. I believe that there isn’t a “right” religion. There is no wrong way to do religion.

We’re all right in our own way.
We believe what we want to.
What feels “right” to us.

I remember in my world religions class in college this one group did their project on Wicca. It made me laugh because half the things they said were wrong. I could tell they didn’t understand Wicca and received their information from crappy ass books written by others who had no idea what it is. I was not shy about telling them so and educated them. I was asked by another student if pagans even pray.

I explained that we do. We have prayers, chants, rituals, songs. The same things Christians do and other religions too. We all just do it differently. Every student was silent and looked baffled. Like I just showed them how a magic trick works.

It astounds me that with the information so close at hand no one decides to look for themselves. They scrape up any knowledge of other religious way from their elders, whether that be their pastor, priest, parent, teacher, etc. Even some of the textbooks about world religions are written by Christians (well the ones used throughout my schooling were) and had a biased view already.

I have had many conversations with my mom about the differences between many religions because of her flippant comments about Satanism and “devil worship”. It never ceases to irritate me and get me going on a rant about what Satanism really is since obviously no one actually knows.

Every religion comes with ceremonies, rituals, chants, songs, dances, clothes, etc. Things that represent the mythos of the religion. Even the place one practices is different from faith to faith. An elaborate church, a basement, a forest, your backyard. Wherever you are comfortable. Do whatever you feel in your soul to express your faith.

Personally, I love to dance, burn incense or light some candles, chant, meditate, draw sigils, and astral project. I will take moments to wonder at the moon and smile under the sun. I listen to the wind and feel the Earth under me.

My church is everywhere I am. My religion evolves to reflect my growth through life.

i have a storm inside me

i have a storm inside me

I’ve alluded to this in a few posts, but wanted to give it a little bit more attention because it is extremely important to remember.

Anxiety manifests physically. It’s different for everyone, but I would like to share what happens to my body. It can start so small. Just a minor headache that I might take something for. As the day (or week) goes by it gets bigger. Stronger. A small rain shower that turns to a violent thunderstorm and rages on for hours. The only difference is the storm ends. My anxiety doesn’t.

The first thing I notice is the constant headache. It’s this dull throb in my temples. As my anxiety gets worse the headache moves and gets stronger. The throbbing turns to a white noise in my ears and makes my eyes cross and blur. If it gets bad enough it will turn to a migraine and knock me off my feet. I’ve had to take a few sick days because I literally couldn’t open my eyes or move.

I experience a lot of stomach aches and nausea. If I get a particularly persistent thought or image in my head (more than likely my mind has decided to relive some past mistakes) it might make my tummy roil and it almost feels like I’m going to throw up. My stomach turns to a knotted mess and gets tighter and tighter the deeper I fall into my anxiety. This is almost always accompanied by nausea. Smells, tastes, whatever will make me nauseous. My sense of smell is weirdly heightened when I’m anxious.

The worst thing is the dry heaving. I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve woken up and ran to the bathroom. How many times I’ve had to stay home from school or work because I was desperately clinging to the bowl heaving. I’ve also had to make quick escapes to bathrooms while in class and at work. The most difficult thing about it is that I don’t actually throw up. It’s just this constant, painful dry heaving that could last all day or several days. I would rather throw up and get it over with than dry heave for hours.

I have these “episodes”. I thought for a while that they were due to some illness I had or something was legit wrong with me and a doctor could figure out what. However, I am now almost certain it’s just my anxiety finding new ways to fuck with me. These episodes consist of dizziness, lightheadedness, and tremors in my hands. The tremors are mainly in my right arm, but I can feel them slightly in my left as well, just not as bad. When I’m having one of these bouts I literally cannot hold anything in my right hand. I can’t really do anything but lay down and wait it out.

I’ve had people tell me that I need to go to a doctor and get on medication to “fix” my mental illnesses. The thing is you can’t “fix” this. You can manage the symptoms, to a point. But there is no cure. There isn’t a magic pill or shot that can just make it all go away. Personally, I will find ways to cope with my physical symptoms rather than ingest some nasty synthetic material and risk all kinds of really fun side effects. I drug my body enough with the deliciously processed foods I devour every day.

I don’t have these episodes often and I have ways of coping. The other physical representations of my anxiety are easily managed too. Is it strange that I’m glad I don’t have some strange disease that can be cured? Maybe, but I am kind of relieved that all those tests I’ve done came back normal. It’s just me and my anxiety. And my depression. ANNNND the panic attacks. ANNNNNNNNNNND the food issues.

what is love

what is love

Baby don’t hurt me! don’t hurt me no more.

Okay….but in all seriousness….Love.

The thing of songs, movies, and books. People spend years looking for it and others find it everywhere they go. We give and receive love in its many forms. You can see it, hear it, and feel it. It can lift you up and it can also drop you on your ass.

Merriam-Webster has many basic definitions of love. After reading all the definitions it seems they divide love into three main types: familial, romantic, and platonic. Familial is defined as “strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties”. Platonic is said to be more of an “affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests” which would describe your friendships and can even extend to things you claim to love like your car or favorite stuffed animal.

We all have love for our families, whether they be our biological family or our chosen family. We have those friends whom we love unconditionally and love us in return. We love our pets. Our cars, phones, clothes, food. We love places and times of day. We love movies, books, and TV shows too. There is so much in this world to love.

Romantic love is complex. According to Merriam-Webster it is “unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another” and “affection and tenderness”. Obviously, we all know it’s a lot more than any dictionary can put into words. Love is more than an emotion. It’s a combination of all your senses. Your entire body and mind. In some cases your soul.

Love is an incredible feeling. It can lift you up so high and leave you soaring above the clouds. It will have you smiling for no reason other than you are completely happy with your significant other(s). Seeing them, hearing their voice, enjoying your time together. Whatever it may be.

Love can also drop you on your ass and leave you feeling as if you’ve been hit by a Mack truck going 90 mph. It can sweep in and break you down. Leave you in tears for a time. Crush your spirit. Break your heart. Make you crazy. And then it can come back and heal those sore wounds and mean your broken pieces.

People all over are constantly looking for love. Dating websites, Facebook, blind dates, etc. You have 12 year olds saying they love their boyfriend/girlfriend after 2 weeks of “dating”. You have those people who start saying they are in love with their significant other within a few days of dating. I see so many throwing around the word love aimlessly and maybe even too often. But, that’s just my observation.

We are bombarded with images of how “love” should be. Books, movies, celebrities, reality TV shows, etc. We receive advice from friends and family about how to date and navigate our relationships. We seek tips from blogs and magazines. We see unbelievable standards and “relationship goals” that don’t apply to everyone.

I used to believe in the mainstream idea that you can only be in love with your partner and no one else. I’ve begun to realize that this isn’t true, at least for me. I discovered something about myself I had no idea was possible. Something that I honestly didn’t really understand. I didn’t realize that I was already doing this for years until now.

I had a panic attack a few months ago that left me in a pool of anxiety. I was struggling to wrap my head around my feelings for multiple people. I knew that I loved them all whole-heartedly, but couldn’t make up my mind. But then I had a weird thought and wondered “why couldn’t I just date all of them?” My initial reaction was that I was just being selfish and ridiculous. That kind of thing doesn’t work….but I sat and thought about it more. And more. Until it dawned on me…

I am polyamorous. *mind explodes*

Seriously, I didn’t even put those dots together. I’ve been with my wifey for years and have dated other people during that time. I hold such love for her it just consumes me. I was head over heels for my ex as well, while still holding the same amount of love for my wifey. I had text my wifey immediately and she confirmed that yes we’re poly. I am still reeling from that discovery.

We have absolute trust in each other and our relationship. We talk about everything. We offer support, comfort, guidance, advice, and whatever we need to be to each other. We date other people, but that doesn’t lessen our love for each other. We encourage each other to get out there and go on a date or two.

I am still learning about this part of myself and how to navigate this newly discovered pathway. I will share any new mind blowing epiphanies in later posts as well. Life is a strange journey, but an enjoyable one. One I am thrilled to be sharing with my incredibly gorgeous and smart wifey.

Our connection grows stronger every day. I cannot wait to see how our dynamic evolves over time. I am so excited for our future and hope soon was can live our dream. I have never been excited for my future until my darling Puddin and our precious little Warrior.